i wish we lived together cuz i love u
but we would have our own rooms
lately i have been needing to be away from u
but i am like a cat
and i always come home

its weird to me how teen soap operas can make me cry the acting is so bad and fake but the feelings are sometimes genuine and its funny how i can always feel so much from anything and everything

it hurts in my throat and stomach at the same time
when i feel too much and i hate it
im such a crybaby

suddenly i remember why i missed U so much
long hot nights when all we could do was smoke spliffs and order takeout
its like another world 2 me these days
everything is so much colder now and its not even actually winter yet
crazy how 2 winters ago we were together everyday
i love u so recklessly and desperately but now idk if U even knew what love was
everyone is so distant compared 2 U
but i always knew that nothing compares 2 U
i loved being skinny and walking everywhere with U
we both hated uppers and lived 4 downers
its like u are my twin soul
and i still believe it 2day

it feels like we live in different worlds
U say we are more alike than i'd ever admit
i am comfortable safe happy excited when ur around
but i am also resentful jealous left wanting more
sometimes when we're not alone u make me feel really stupid
but i dont care cuz i know ur my home deep down
and i keep waiting for it to get better
and i keep waiting cuz they say it always gets worse before it gets good

thought i knew u better
i do though and i kept pretending like i didn't who the fuck am i
acting all brand new like
this is not my first rodeo
i just wanted a white picket fence
but that's just what i tell myself
i know i crave destruction and chaos
there is a hell inside my heart
i just didn't wanna find out
U are the same too
Sorry i wanted it to be different this time
but i still wanna die

nobody is ever perfect until they dont want u anymore

suddenly ur lies were like ice cold water n i was so so thirsty walking the hot vegas strip 108 degrees  my feet were bleeding in those heels
i started my period in a pawn shop and just when it couldnt get any worse

i spent months in cold cells long nights in strangers garages and endless days walking the world we created together alone
winter is probably my least favorite season and last winter was the worst yet
waiting for u to come save me wishing u would pick up the phone
but it was a burner phone n i was ur burner life
duh

well to be honest it was already bad when i would spend days locked up in the rooms we paid for i couldnt even get out of bed to smoke and when i did it was already 4 pm n i was waking up with my makeup from the last day still on
wake up take a one hour bath smoke a cigarette smoke some weed some some sherm smoke some dope snort some pills snort some powder and i would wait
i would wait for u to come home

but it was not home n i got so so tired of waiting
i did it anyways
cuz love is mostly reciprocation without the desire to do whatever it is u r reciprocating
or so i thought but what do i know
u couldnt even wait a couple months for me
n i spent all of our time together waiting for u

and even tho u said u loved me
a million times it felt selfish dirty
like fucking in the backdoor alley
and running from the cops in the city

tried kissing u in the motel shower
i begged u not to leave for hours
U said i had to go or u would
always playin that game i never understood

whyd we have to live like we were broke
u always had money when u needed dope
yea i wanted it too but all i really wanted was u and u said u needed me too but looking back it was all a bad joke
like watching tv loaded on pcp
i thought everything happening was so fucking funny

but it was tragic sad and hopeless
the laughter was forced and fake and broken
the only good memories were when we were loaded

always together i never felt so lonely
i thought it was a fucked up fairy tale love story but u just pulled me into ur tragedy and i was never ready
till u left me in county
When u gave up on trying
i got tired of crying

n i dont know how
i ended up here
with u in ur car
its kinda unreal
 kinda surreal
that i could ever feel this way again
or even begin
to think that i could heal
it took about a year
i still have my scars
but u got marks too and i think that theyre cute i think ur rly cute and the way u grip my thigh when we're on the road at night or laying in the sand and i wanna hold ur hand so tight cuz when im with u now it doesnt feel so bad to be alive
i wanna tell u everything and i wanna know everything thats why i ask u ten million questions when u drive me home from work and sorry im distracting but ur just so fucking interesting n i never wanna hurt u i just really wanna fuck u

I JUST WANT TO BE CLOSE TO SOMETHING AGAIN EVEN IF ITS JUST A SHEET OF LIES EVEN IF ITS ONLY FOR 1 NIGHT AT LEAST I WOULD BE WARM AGAIN EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY ANYWAYS
I JUST WANNA DISINTEGRATE INTO ASHES AND ASK U IF U WOULD PLEASE SMOKE MY REMAINS JUST SO I COULD BE CLOSE TO UR INSIDES UR LUNGS JUST FOR ANOTHER HOUR
I THOUGHT U WOULD REMEMBER ME BUT I CANT EVEN REMEMBER WHO I WAS, WHO I WAS B4 U, AND NOW I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE ANYMORE

SO THIS MORNING I WENT TO IHOP THE ONE BY THE MOTEL WE STAYED AT IN MAY... THE NIGHT WE SMOKED ALL THAT DOPE AND DIDN'T SLEEP WHEN WE SPENT THE WHOLE NIGHT TALKING. AND SHOWERING. I COULD DO BOTH WITH U FOREVER. BUT DO U REMEMBER WHEN WE SHOWERED 3 TIMES TOGETHER IN THE SMOKY STEAMY BATHROOM UNTIL I PASSED OUT. AND OH MY GOD I COULD TALK TO U ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING AND IT WAS SO SO GOOD. EVERYTHING WE WERE SAYING SOUNDED SO SO GOOD AND I HAD TO WRITE IT ALL DOWN BECAUSE IT WAS THAT GOOD. WELL I LOST THAT NOTEBOOK WITH ALL THE GOOD THINGS IN IT AND I GUESS I LOST U TOO FEELS LIKE GRAY MORNINGS NOW ALL THE TIME WITHOUT U.

Replicating the thought of you and my perception of you is not as satisfying as i thought it would be. sometimes i miss your long body on mine and i remember the needles you shot through my heart were the dirty ones you had already shot through ur veins

adultlike innocence and childlike sexuality

structural dissatisfaction

peter pan syndrome

functional addiction

codependency

addiction to pleasure

promiscuity as a coping and defense mechanism

perversity

where i am vs where i want to be

 depersonalization

is love real and do you choose who you love

burn 1 all alone never get too stoned
unless Ur home cuz i don't do that no more
i don't get high like that no more
n i don't wanna live like that no more
i don't wanna be the team hoe no more
yea i don't need dough like that no more
told god that i'm sorry n i won't act up no more

Glock in the crotch

No fear of god in ur shots

U don't do that anyway, u must hate how I pop em like a j

Ur supposed to be my brother 

So why I gotta bother u like some junkie ass fucker

U keep it on the dl I see I stay lowkey but fuck it I freak out about that fuckin anxiety

U watch over me like an uncle, but wasn't Humphrey actin like a dumbo with his cock in his crotch like the glock in ur crotch

Besides the point, I got too many troubles and none of them subtle

a lot of the time ppl tell me i "always have a story" to tell and idk if they're being sarcastic or if they really just mean i always have a story to tell maybe its like i just love to overanalyze situations as a coping mechanism for my anxiety so anyways there is this period of time where i was secretly living with him at some business dude boarding house airbnb type deal place. i sat in the room all day except to pee, shower, and go to eat or grocery shopping with him. it was my choice; u kno, being an idiot dumb head in love following ur stupid ugly heart everywhere. found rigs in the drawers my first night there. it wasn't bad but i think maybe it contributed to the depression. staying inside a room all day like I'm basically back at my parent's house but fuck dude every time he came home it was like fuck daddys home and everything would melt into happiness like smoking weird ass shit off tinfoil sitting on the rooftop onto of a soft purple target blanket and feeling so at home as if it would last forever

well i am just not even attempting to be sober. its sad but I'm in the middle of limbo and pretending I'm gonna be ok mostly good i think i am knowing that i will always come out on my feet. fuck the sun is about to come up i feel like I'm still tweaking and in jail. it scared me but he said he would be my boyfriend my my boyfriend said he's supposed to be my boyfriend…… N i be coolin wit the homies, I'm posted chillin smoking a cigarette sayin fuck him! talking about fashion like i know or give a fuck i just am trying to be a better girl live a better life like i have been for the past couple years. i gotta figure my shit out soon cuz i can't live life like this for much longer. what if i end up sipping lavender tea in a mansion and he knocks on my door and asks for all his shit back, standing next to the better version of me. "she can be evil ask fuck but I'm not keeping track of it so ima just get her sum chocolate." i told them i like don't want glasses cuz i like feeling the earth on my face. I'm spracked and in love with the saddest drug addict in the world.

and besides how do u even know we would even have been good together we're both young lazy  reckless and uncommitted we're both easily influenced and we both get into shit all the time and we both have no idea where we are going n i get that its supposed to be ok but im not 18 anymore

i love u.no matter what.but.i 'm bad news anyways haven't u heard

and besides, u deserve so much more but as always i am thinking of u.

is it a johnny depp quote when he says "if u ever are in love w 2 ppl at once, choose the second one cuz if u rly loved the first one u wouldn't have fallen for the second person" ? i resonated with that so well when i first saw the words on my computer screen but then again i was also a skeptic and believed loving someone can only be ur downfall bc being soft enough 2 fall in love means being fragile enough 2 break and i have been broken too many times to let that happen again so i was doing the No Feelings thing but maybe i was purposely numbing myself w emotional anesthetic bc i knew what would happen if i wasn't careful and somehow in between all of that i ended up feelin something a lil more than just OK

so why was it not right then and why did i spiral into a completely different wave and why did i change my mind and why did things change and so i listenedto johnny depp cuz he made sense back then when i didn't even believe in Love so hes gotta be right this time too right

and i think i am happy or i thought i was and wait i still think i am but then why do i keep going back to winter and back then and why am i still attached to the idea of what i used to feel and now i am thinking did i fuck it up and should i have listened to johnny depp after all

running away from home part 3. its february and i think i just quit the millionth retail job of my life. U come on my break and give me klonopin. i am starting to feel better. i steal a dress from my work, its ugly but whatever. so we are driving around santa ana trying to score for L and somehow we end up next to O's house in an empty model home and we're snorting grams on grams of coke, poping roxis, taking xans smoking dabs and its all good but u know, drugs suck. we end up fighting the next day and a cop runs my license and wow of course i have a bench warrant out for my arrest and they take me away. U bail me out, again.

every time  u walk out that door, i never kn ow what ur getting into
what car what situation what drugs
i dont wanna be ur mom, i wanna be ur baby
but it seems like u dont want me 2 be ur anything lately

so i sit n i wait n i fold ur clothes n i trip n i cry
its all cool u reassure me, u tell me u love me
but i stay up when ur sick, i know whats goin on baby
i looked thru ur phone n saw the pix
shady

u say its gonna be alright like i dont sit in bed till the lights go out
like i dont hide under the sheets when ur not around crying like a dog without its owner
so i pretend n i let u play w me cuz im all about complacency

i dont remember the first time i woke up in your bed because i was probably most likely really fucking high or coming off my high. there are things i hold really close and try to remember clearly because i know i will forget them soon enough.
1. i just met u, like a week or two ago, we havent fucked yet, we are still feeling things out in an open space. i come to your condo after work, we smoke, talk, watch tv, im probably already madly obsessively in love with u. u go and make a drug run. we crush up fifty xanax and snort them, mix them into coffee, lick the table. i forget what u were saying, but it was something along the lines of feeling guilt for not feeling guilty for killing someone. i wonder how does that feel. must be lonely. and maybe it being my worst fear to be alone but i move closer
2. several weeks into Us, we unsettle familiarity. not in the sense of like moving or changing something physically. u found needles, h, and powder. u called me. im at work and i immediately get into the uber and come over to your place. i threw away the needles, in a neighbor's recycling bin. we flush the h down the toilet together. we lick the powder off the kitchen countertop. somewhere in a drug haze it went wrong and u forgot ur medication and we are fighting, lost in a neighborhood of identical faces and i leave but not before you say i love u
3. i couldnt leave the bed. we said we would never do any drug consistently over the span of three days but we did. it was reasonable, we reasoned.i just lost my job. my hair was tangled and the room reeked of sex and tobacco. it was 4 pm and some horrible acoustic song was playing in the park by your house. i remember we complained about it for probably twenty minutes. i go Im hungry. u offer to go get food. No dont leave i dont wanna be alone, just stay. u bathe me and brush my hair and make me mac n cheese and we smoke a joint
4. it was only two days but it seemed like i had been away from u for years.  i had just officially been transferrd to the psych ward where i was supposed to spend the next 72 hours. the ugly stained walls and the irritating guy yelling at the wall drove me insane. my room was behind the tv. my roomate didnt speak english and sat on the foot of my bed at 4 am waiting to use the restroom when there was noone inside. i kept to myself but that didnt stop creepy brian,who had just been transfered from jail, from trying to put the moves on me. thank god for visiting hours and there U are, u sat through two hours of traffic and dealing with my angry family in the waiting room, alone, just to see me for an hour. and u still love me with my unbrushed unwashed hair dry skin and the mess we got ourselves into